Political Fix (2 May, 2019)

Facing Unpleasant Facts – A Cow’s Crisis

The barn took on an orange hue as the last sliver of sun dipped below the horizon. It was the end of another perfect spring day in Iowa.

But not for Daisy.

Life is never easy when you are #DevinNunesCow.

Her politically connected owner had always given her the bonafides to lead the herd and win elections by a landslide.

But now she had become the butt of jokes.

#BeButter, #MooToo, Cow-22, had all left the cows laughing behind Daisy’s back.

Daisy was wise enough to know the jokes would pass. What she hated the most about @DevinCow was that they were ruining her reputation. She was a Charolais, a breed of cow from the political establishment, not the plebeian Holstein as portrayed on Twitter.

She toyed with the idea of filing a defamation lawsuit against Twitter, but Daisy was more dignified than that.

Being witty and charming, she was considered the leader of the conservative party in her shire and used her fundraising prowess towards the unlikely election of Petain, the shire’s Dear Leader.

But even before the Twitter scandal erupted her political landscape was changing. In the last election Daisy faced a unexpectedly well funded bull.

Bulls were stupid and rarely won local elections. Petain was a bull but different, and a far cry from Boxer, her 2018 opponent.

Boxer was too stupid to even understand how the dairy industry used him. Thankfully, Daisy thought, dairies artificially inseminate the cows to keep them milking. But Boxer pranced around completely clueless like a stud lording over his harem.

Daisy once heard a milker with noticeably small hands say about Boxer, “He keeps the ladies honest.” She was highly offended and would have organized a trample, but then thought, “He’s just not worth it.”

Somehow Boxer came within 11 points of Daisy, the closest election she had ever had. This rattled Daisy and the normally composed bovine withdrew from public life.

Daisy blamed the media.

The Fresno Bee relentlessly published negative articles about her owner, including one about a lawsuit against a company owned yacht with which he had no connection.

Then there was that annoying free rag that strikes like a guerilla combatant, gets the story, and retreats to home base. The Valley Voice’s story “Nunes Flees Coffee Shop” was hardly serious journalism.

Why didn’t more people follow Tulare City Council Member Carlton Jones’ advice when he said, “I never read that throwaway.”

Her shire’s local media was also unrelenting and had uncovered how Petain allegedly got elected by foreign intervention.

Wolfe News reported credible evidence that the industry’s enemy, the Oregonians, had surreptitiously intervened to get Petain elected. Daisy had always been a hawk on Oregon, and the spread of veganism, but now it looked like they were behind her Dear Leader’s unlikely win.

Trying to digest all the evidence, she couldn’t just assuage her conscience, or divert her attention, through filing endless law suits, issuing subpoenas, or making criminal referrals in the capitol.

Daisy spiraled into full blown identity crisis.

“Am I a conservative or a liberal?”

“Am I a patriot or a traitor?”

“Am I from Iowa or California?”

“Do I even exist?”

Finally, she queried, “If vegans want Petain to be president then why do I?”

The last election cycle had shaken Daisy’s foundation of everything she believed. Was her human capable of the same feelings of doubt that plagued her? Was he also having a crisis of raison d’etre?

In her delirium Daisy couldn’t decide which was worse – a cow having an existential crisis, or a human who had fewer twitter followers than a cow.

She was one unhinged bovine.

The night wore on and she was left alone with her thoughts in a far corner of the field. This was a truly personal struggle about how to move forward and sort out her political future. Daisy had to embrace her new normal.

It was twilight and the dew hung heavy on each blade of grass as the sun peeked over the field. Daisy regurgitated a mouthful of her midnight snack and between each chew became even more defiant. She knew she needed to grow a tougher hide if she was going to continue her political career.

Then she had an epiphany.

She lowed at the rising sun with an outstretched neck and let out a nice long methane loaded cow fart.

“Take that you stupid Oregon-climate-changer vegans. I hold all the cards.”

It was the beginning of another perfect Iowa morning as Daisy defiantly thought “I’m running for reelection and so is my Dear Leader – and we are going to win in 2020.”

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