The Perfect Murder

This entire scenario reminds me of 1997, when the Chief and I, returning from Auckland to Cabo San Lucas, experienced two Easter Sundays over the course of one calendar day. OK–so it involved transiting the International Date Line; still, it was a little unsettling, if not exhausting.

I might not know what day it is anymore during the current crisis–last Wednesday I was suddenly lost –but I have retained a few things that have nothing to do with a calendar. I don’t mean the daily routine, which, under the circumstances, I can accomplish in my sleep–as maybe I am now.

I mean to say I’ve retained my humanity.

Make no mistake–what these clearly partisan “Re-open now!” protesters are saying is, “F*ck you, Grandma.” And they’re telling you to get f*cked, as well, so long as you stand in the way of their perceived economic well being; so long as you’re an adherent to something so flighty as, say, science. I say “perceived.” Does anyone actually believe that, if the economy were suddenly thrown wide open, the public would harbor the confidence to throng businesses again and boost our collective bottom line? I doubt it. And I refuse to advocate for anything more than a very measured, science-based re-opening.

But these people, clamoring on street corners for Christ knows what, really, don’t seem to appreciate that; however painful, the wider public is prepared to endure until more of an all-clear is called. Which demonstrates–yes, that’s a pun–those out shouting on our street corners and state house steps are only hyped up about some mythical version of themselves.

Bet your bottom TP roll that selfish vision doesn’t include Grandma. If it did, they’d have taken precautions–such as social distancing and wearing face masks–during their demonstrations. Still, the demonstrations themselves are grand gestures, deeply rooted in our tradition, necessary, and of the very weave and genius of our American effort. Which, if you remember, originated during the Age of Enlightenment (1715-1789). Enlightenment, Grandma!

These same protesters may also be receiving government bailout checks. The Republicans are peddling money again. Which sounds like socialism to me. Not a whisper from them.

Oh–and while we weren’t looking, Grandma croaked. She wasn’t allowed visitors. Died alone while, after their protest, someone–having shouted their lungs out–infected her, innocently, at home. Or, also innocently, gave it to a caregiver who administered to Grandma at her care home.

And Grandma’s not putting much back into the economy other than these people’s inheritances. She’s going to make them great again.

It’s the perfect murder.


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